Over the last few years I’ve talked with a lot of people about overcoming addiction, and one question always comes up: how is my life different now?
I usually start by saying I’m happier, that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that my confidence is back. I acknowledge that the guilt that used to hang over me is gone, and so is the feeling of being dirty. Everything is better. All of that is true, but the full truth is a little less sunshine and rainbows.
Everybody wants to sell the benefits of overcoming addiction. They describe the upsides of being happier and free from guilt and shame and self-degradation, but it’s far less common to talk about the fact that after addiction you feel everything more deeply, the good and the bad. Yes, I feel more joy, but I also hurt more frequently and deeply because I don’t run from the hard parts of life anymore. I sit with them, feel them fully, and let the emotions run their course. When the post-addiction freedom euphoria dust settled, I realized that life is more painful in many areas.
When I disappoint my kids, my coworkers or my clients, I feel it. When someone takes a jab at me and it stings, I feel it, and then I work out why it hurt. When something unexpected stresses me out, I stay with it until I find a solution instead of escaping. And when I feel inadequate or out of my depth, I teach myself the skills I need to work through it.
The biggest difference with my life now is in how I respond to it. I solve problems instead of letting them grow or burying them. Hard experiences don’t turn into unresolved trauma that follows me and holds me back. Life still cuts me, but the wounds don’t stay open. I take care of them so they can heal, and I come out stronger than before.
My outlook has changed. When something bad happens, I don’t sink into doom and gloom or lie awake worrying about what happens if it never gets fixed. I know I can handle whatever comes my way, and that life will go on, usually better than before.
That’s the pain of a healthy mind. It hurts more, but it heals.
